Giving children independence and freedom

This week marked a big step in my daughters life. This was the first week they were allowed to walk home alone from school. They are 8 and almost 10 and I thought the moment was right. They are good about traffic safety, they know about strangers and they walk the first part with a group of moms and kids. If we cannot give our children responsibility and trust them, how are they supposed to become self reliant and feel good about themselves? And that they did, the big smiles they wear when they come through the door after school speaks volumes. Doing things on their own makes them happy, independence makes them happy.

Earlier this year a NY mom gave her 9 year old a Metro Card, $20, some quarters and a subway map and let him find his way home from Bloomingdales. As she describes in her column, he was "ecstatic with independence". And then it took a life on its own, as far as asking whether she is America's worst mom, you can read about the reactions here.

I applaud her. People often make the point that times have changed, but I do not believe that to be true, statistically it appears to be actually safer. The chance for kids to be abducted is as small as being hit by lightning and think about it, the majority of those abductions are relatives anyway. What has changed is the media coverage and we hear about every little thing happening in the western world and that makes us think that this is an imminent danger out children are in. Our society lives in an atmosphere of fear and as parents we are overly worried about our children. When I compare my childhood to the ones of my children, I am bewildered how different it is. Today, life is packed full of programs and time is micromanaged. Unstructured time is an anomaly and fun is drowned in classes and learning, turning kids into stressed, pressured and worried little adults. Meeting other kids is facilitated through organized play dates, children do not just meet their friends at the park and instead of biking they get shuttled around in comfortable vans while watching videos.

When I was my kid's age life was free, there was time, there was boredom to spark creativity and there was the great outdoors, even in the middle of a big city. Yes, there was danger; I had my run ins with sexual predators and strangers that lured me with candy, but I had been warned, I had instructions how to deal with the situation and that is what I did. I had no kind of damage from that, instead it made me feel safer, because I knew how to handle it. I had a lot of freedom growing up, but I also had responsibility and my mother trusted me and I never wanted to betray that trust. Trust is something that needs to be earned and I want to give my girls the opportunity to do exactly that. In the end parents need to also trust themselves, trust that they raised their children to make the right decisions. I admit that I was very self reliant at an extremely young age because of the circumstances my mom and I lived in, but I prefer that over the other extreme. I have met girls at the end of high school still completely parent managed, that I have to question how they can find their own way at all, never having had the chance of their own road. If kids have no freedom, they lack freedom of making their own choices. Without their own choices, they cannot make mistakes and those are important to learn, to become competent and successful. Parents who try to keep mistakes away from children, keep experiences away from them and hinder self development.

It is not always easy to let go and to give up control and I do have a tiny slight worry while they are on their way (literally and figuratively), but I have to trust them.