It's very dark in the tunnel!

I have never liked tunnels. I am a person who likes to be in control, I need to know where I am and where I am going, so natural tunnels are not a spot of joy. The whole idea of having tons of water or mountain above you is quite disconcerting to me. I am sure that a lot of people feel this way about tunnels, why else would we have the lovely metaphor of the light at the end of the tunnel. I might be wrong, but I think originally it was really a symbol for our life on earth and the light being heaven. As an agnostic not my an interpretation that fits for me.

I feel like I am in a very deep and long tunnel, maybe a tunnel maze, so who knows if there is a way out. Each time I see a light, it disappears and things seem even darker. When talking to friends, a lot of us feel the same: everywhere we look and listen to, things are bad and keep getting worse. Life like we knew will not be here again. The laundry list of things going wrong in this world is so long, one could write a trilogy and not finish. The economic crisis is weighing on everybody, trying to get by financially, schools loosing funding to the point of absurdity, healthcare being ridiculous, violence and starvation in so many parts of the world, climate going to hell, food being incredibly expensive while lacking nutrients, a general disconnect in many aspects of life... I could go on and on and bore you to death.

My ten year old has anxiety and is stressed, my younger one with AS feels frustrated because she desires nothing more than making friends , my husband feels the burden of having to provide for us in these times and must fear the fate of many around us ( layoffs). My professional life is so tiny, my life as a caretaker gets no validation... you get the drift, we all feel the tunnel and cannot see the life. I am no stranger to anxiety and depression and my best remedy has always been hope, optimism, planning and: music. Now my back problems are so huge, that I had to make the decision not to sing the coming concert with my chorus, this has been a very difficult decision and it has taken away the little light I was seeing, the little Felix (luck) Mendelssohn light somewhere ahead. Of course this is the right decision, my husband has been my compass in this and just laid out the facts. It still feels awful though. At the same time I have to wonder why I am sitting here with my 43 years of life experience and a very big heap of difficulties that I mastered and I cannot stop crying just because I cannot sing in a concert. Maybe there is actually a light and I just cannot see it because my eyes are so wet?

I am not proof reading, editing and constructing this entry, I am just writing it as it is coming out of my finger tips , it is a new experience for me as I am trying to be less of a perfectionist, isn't a stream of consciousness closer to the idea of a blog anyway?

I feel really silly sitting here and crying, when there are a million worse things in the world. It is so selfcentered, something I despise, so then I have to despise myself and cry even more and this is getting so absurd and I actually had to laugh out loud now.

Thanks for listening (in a reading sort of way)